I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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