there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
