I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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