Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
