I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
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