Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
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That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
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I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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