you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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