Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
