very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
