I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
