party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize