If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
