I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
