Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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