i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The Olympian is in my bed
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
