Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize
