i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
