the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
