Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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