I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
3 2 1 whiskey
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
