I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I wish there were birth control emojis
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
