good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
