He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
