Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Mom said you looked used
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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