Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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