I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
