You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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