i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
