god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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