just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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