Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
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You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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