so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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