The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
