Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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