"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
