So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
