Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Randomize
