took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
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I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
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I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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