I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
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found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
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Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just gargled with NyQuil