your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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