Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
