Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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