Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
