She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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