I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Boobs are out for the taking
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
