When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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