i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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