Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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