i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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