I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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