I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
