I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
