omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
