mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
be right there i have to get my cape
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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