Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
