why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
