Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
