Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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