OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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