Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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